Most people in a relationship don’t understand that it is very important to have boundaries in their relationships or marriages. These boundaries are personal and this article is made to help you understand more of what is your role in a relationship/marriage. A relationship is about love,care,need and companionship of two people who overcome immaturity and selfishness in order to form something better than what their can produce.
A boundary is the invisible line that defines where a person begins and where it ends,it is simply a property line,within this boundaries one must be able to act freely with the other person’s control,also within them one takes full responsibility for everything that happens. The mental,physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries are essence of our personality and if not respected we will run into very serious trouble without even being aware of it.
Now that we have clear knowledge of what boundaries are let’s get in it deeper and deeper.
Importance/role of boundaries
1.Responsibility :where there is no responsibility there will be selfishness and bondage.Responsibility helps us to experience growth in our relationships and being responsible means being mature to accept the consequences that follows our actions.
2.Freedom :where there is no freedom there is slavery as a result of rebellion. Being free to disagree makes us able to love and within boundaries one must be free and under no control.
3.Respect :Within your boundaries you are respected because you own it,just as physical properties are respected and not one can take it away from you is the same way with invisible property lines.
4.Protection :boundaries will guard the good and not let evil destroy it eg if the abused in an abusive relationship take on the role of a silent sufferer waiting miraculously for the other to change, the situation just gets worse as love grows colder and colder.For such a relationship to work one must say NO to being abused and thats a boundary itself.
5.Ownership :where we don’t take ownership on what is ours we will get stuck at a certain level in our relationship. The book Boundaries in Marriage describes such a situation quite vividly.
Caroline and Joe came in for marriage counseling saying that they could not stop arguing with one another. When I asked her, what the arguments were about, Caroline replied, “He is just so angry all the time. He gets so mad at me that it really hurts.”
I turned to Joe and asked, “Why do you get so mad?”.
Without having to think for a second, he replied, “Because she always tries to control me and my life.”
“Why do you try to control him?”
“Because he is so into his own things that I can’t get his time or attention.”
“Why don’t you pay attention to her?”
“Because she is so nagging and controlling – I just have to get away from her.”
“Why do you nag him?”
“Because he won’t do anything I want”
This went on and on and the two didn’t even notice the absurdity of their answers. Whenever they were asked “Why do you …?”, their immediate answer was always something about the other person. Neither of them ever took ownership of his or her behavior. In their minds, it was always “caused” by the other person. If we learn to answer the question “Why do you …?’‘ with a “Because I …”, we will find out a lot about ourselves and the problems that are ours. That puts us in the driver’s seat, because we will learn not just to react to our spouse, but to act lovingly no matter what our partner is doing.
What is within the boundaries?
*Feelings *spiritual needs
*Attitudes. *choices
*Values. *behavior
*Thoughts. *limits
*talents. *our body
*love
For all the areas above,we need to take responsibility if we want a balanced and healthy life,you are responsible for all those properties within your boundaries and can’t blame anyone for them.
Examples of boundaries.
1.Skin :This is the first boundary protecting bones,muscles,blood etc.Victims of physical abuse often have lost their sense of boundaries and are vulnerable.
2.Words :The most basic words which really define your boundary are YES and NO.We should learn to say them firmly and children should always be taught about them since childhood.
3.Truth :Always stand by what you believe is the truth because that’s what defines who you are,set a boundary and entertain no lie that collides with what you believe.
4.Physical distances :this is very important because it helps you in recovering your sense,removing yourself from an argument until you ready to talk about it,it also helps you to think about an issue alone before sharing it with your partner.We all need some physical distance away from our spouses,children to reflect on our lives.
5.Emotional distance : You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment by blindly trusting a spouse who has repeatedly broken your trust. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t forgive, but you may have to say things like
I love you, but I don’t trust you. I can’t be close until we work this out.
We can be close again, when you can be kind to me.
We can be close again, when you are serious about getting help.
Emotional distance may be the most prudent thing until a situation is completely resolved because it prevents further hurt and disappointment. Most of all it requires a pure heart to make sure that this boundary serves love and not some impure motives in us. Otherwise, it will only make the conflict worse instead of resolving it.
6.Consequences : Trespassing on other people’s property usually carries consequences. we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. Otherwise people will find out that they can overstep them whenever they want to. The consequences for trespassing a boundary should be appropriate and never be a revenge for bad behavior. For instance, you may
*refuse to bail someone out of a jam because of perpetual irresponsibility, like not completing work on time.
*start eating dinner without your husband if he is late for the 1000th time.
*leave the room if a conversation turns to become abusive.
7.Other people : Trying to set boundaries all by ourselves is a difficult thing to do. In some situations we may need the support of others to set, and more importantly to maintain boundaries. This is particularly important when we face problems in our relationships. Friends can help us to resolve conflicts. Counselors and pastors can give us new input and teaching that helps us to work on difficult issues. In support groups we can find healing and strength. And in extreme cases third parties can offer us shelter and help us find to protect and support ourselves.We all need a shoulder one point or the other in our lives.
These topic of boundaries in relationships is very wide and I will be updating it everyday……..
All your feedback is much welcomed.
MURIITHI MUGAMBI. 